For the past week I feel like I have been carrying a mini pool of tears under my eyes, just waiting to bubble out were it not for my focused attention to withhold. Fighting back the tears until a single one escapes and rolls down my face. Barely holding them off until I get back home to my camper and feel safe to let them out. One thing I have remembered in my short lifetime is that it is not healthy to hold them back.
If you were to see me out in public it would be obvious to most that I am in pain and need to cry for a good chunk of the day. That’s not entirely true. I, like most everyone I meet, am pretty good at masking pain. Some days I hold back enough to get other things done and get outside. But our emotional state is always being shared on a much more subtle level; impossible to hide from those in tune with it.
Those of us who can sense another’s emotional state are those of us who come together naturally – often spontaneously, but not entirely unintended (our thoughts make us active participants to everything). You could call it a resonant frequency that subtly informs us of a matched feeling reflected in another. Like a friend I met yesterday with pretty much the exact same present life-story as me.
I was sitting on the rocky bluffs next to the ocean and a brother came over to talk to me out of nowhere. We ended up chatting for over two hours and covered a lot of ground in the conversation. It was a co-created space wherein each of us recognized the importance of the meeting and wanted to gleam as much as possible from our question and truth exchange. It turned out that our main overlapping present life-story was that we both completed a relationship one week ago after having moved to the area from a long distance away (he was from Tennessee), with the intention of starting a new life together with our partner. And because of the recent move, neither of us knew anyone on a meaningful level. Of all the people to meet spontaneously!
An image flashes in my mind. A memory. A happy memory, full of love and tenderness. The thought that follows: the memory is no more. A ripple through my chest with a short breath to fill my eyes. What have I done? I’ve made the worst mistake of my life and let something go that I will never get back.
Another image – a memory of something hurtful. Anger and hate come steaming up as my body begins to heat and flush. How dare they?! I never want to see them again. Wait. That’s not true. Replace the thoughts. What is true? I have no need to be angry, it’s no one’s fault and we always make it through, together with compassion. I choose to Love.
What intense extremes! How is it that I can hold such contradictory thoughts/emotions/stories within me at once and not explode from the dissonance? I sure know I have felt like exploding least a few times now. The extremes are intense; the valleys low and the mountains high, with hasty transitions between. But that intensity carries with it potent gifts of personal transformation – lessons obtainable from all forms of experience – indicators that serve as a compass along our path of life. An intense heartbreak is simply a mirror to the intensity of Love that opened it up to be felt.
So despite the painful undercurrent, verging on the edge of becoming a tearful waterworks, I always come back to gratitude and acceptance for the experience of heartbreak. The emotional upwelling has emerged from deep within where it was buried years ago when I did not have the capacity to alchemize/heal/release the pain. I get to look at loneliness, inadequacy, undeservedness, loss, and fear. All brought up within through the feelings linking me to my past. What is true now? This moment is a gift that showns me these hidden parts of my Self. Limiting stories that I get to observe and change; to replace with expanding stories founded on a greater depth of Love.
In the past – when the painful moment was initially experienced and the difficult emotions repressed. Locked behind a wall and hidden away so that even we forgot where it was. But now, the releasing of that which was buried is only made possible by the thunderous lightening crack of the force of Love as it tears down the wall between.
As the trapped pain is released, our own Love is made even stronger than before. We can see with greater clarity. We can feel with greater depth. We can hear with greater compassion. I remember that it isn’t all that bad. I am dissolving the self-made inner dams that restrict my capacity to feel, each time I am willing to open to Love more and accept the pains that are attached from my past. Each dive deeper into Love brings up more sludge from the ocean of the body. More painful events from the past rise up to be looked at and released. Always a greater capacity to Love and Be Love on the other side.
So the long and the short of it is that this is the most painful and challenging heartbreak I have ever gone through. It’s brought up plenty of old memories of past partnership uncouplings. It’s reminded me that using pain to fuel creativity (like writing this blog) is very therapeutic. And here I thought I knew what it felt like to love someone so deeply and not be able to be with them. To grieve for a loss of a connection that formed a relationship greater than the individual parts. A severance of two intertwined stories that came together in unity to form a Space of Love. I realize now that I had no idea the depth of heartbreak I could feel. You bet that hurts. It’s okay though. I remember that I Am Love.
A new dream emerges through the pain. A dream to co-create a Space of Love, a corner of Paradise on Earth, and await the return of my Queen to a space and life worthy of having Her by my side in unconditional Love.