Before I jump into this story, I want to share that I do not mean it to sound preachy. I am not telling anyone what to do. This is merely my own personal experience and the important thing is for each of us to honour our own path to truth. Since wisdom comes from observing both individual experiences and those of others, I offer my own story to those who might also find it valuable.
Each of us carry different stories about sex that have accumulated over our lives. I am grateful to my parents for not instilling any shame within me when it comes to sex. I have never thought of it as bad or wrong. They told me to feel free in having sex and to just be safe when I chose to.
Like many young adults, I was eager to have sex for the first time. I saw it as some sort of ultimate goal in my youthful life, and often times it felt like something I just wanted to do so that I could say I had. I dated a couple of girls before I lost my virginity, but thanks to my intense fears it didn’t happen until much after my friends. My first time was quick, not with someone I really cared for yet, and nothing very amazing. Not one of my best moments.
For the first few years after I was pretty religious about using a condom. It wasn’t until I dated someone that I really fell for that I felt comfortable without one, but we still used some form of birth control (cause let’s be honest, condoms really detract from the whole experience). And up until recently, there was something else that kept distracting me from fully enjoying making love with another.
Every time I had sex, I couldn’t shake a thought in the back of my mind. This thought was preventing me from really surrendering to the experience. The thought was the worry and fear of her getting pregnant. This thought remained present even though birth control was being used.
Now I realize that there are many birth control methods out there that have a high percentage of pregnancy prevention; I don’t mean to deter their use. But I also realize that the reason I felt reserved and couldn’t shake the worrying thought of pregnancy while having sex, was because there is still always a chance of it happening, no matter what control method you use (of course, other than abstinence).
This is where the overlap between my personal experiences and those I observed from others began to connect. I started to see people I know have their lives drastically changed with the news of a baby on the way. Suddenly, the consequences of getting someone pregnant became much more visible. And if I am totally honest, I had a moment of thinking my life had taken a similar turn. I knew then the very real and possible consequence of choosing to have sex with someone. I knew that I didn’t want to bring new life into this world on the back of a fearful, undesirable thought.
It wasn’t until I fell in love with a woman with whom I felt okay with such a possibility that my whole experience of sex changed. No, we didn’t stop using birth control, but for the first time my fears were gone and I felt comfortable surrendering to the fates to fall deeper into the experience of making love – so much more than I had previously thought possible. Even though having a little one on the way was not ideal for us, I knew that I had found someone with whom such a turn would be a joyous one that I could adjust to.
Over the course of my life I come across many different teachings that speak of sex in some form of condemnation. That it is sinful to have sex before marriage. That having sex based on lust and craving is animalistic and carnal. That it’s wrong to succumb to our lower nature in a purely physical activity. None of these teachings were given to me in my youth at home, and since I found sex to be enjoyable, none of them really seemed to resonate with me.
As if right on time, a book found its way into my life that served to present me with new perspectives on the above conservative and dogmatic views. The timing of it fell in line with the personal experiences I outlined above, and so it acted as a solidifying agent to my recent thoughts on sex.
I realized that my views on sex were narrow, in that I saw it purely as a physical act and negated completely the more subtle, energetic aspects of having sex with someone. Merging with another in unity creates an energetic (often experienced as emotions) tie that remains over space and time. When we are not aware of such consequences and fail to heal and release them, they can wreak havoc on our future relationships.
The subtleties of sex include not only the energetic bonding between two individuals through making love, but extends into the act of creating new life. When we view sex and making babies as merely a physical act, we dishonour the new soul that we are bringing into the world. We think that a baby starts when sperm and egg meet, but the truth is that new life starts even before that. It begins with the thoughts of the parents to be. Whether the thoughts are of love and welcoming, or of fear and regret, they will leave an imprint on the new life. I only want to bring a child into this world through thoughts of love and desire, through a willing and open merging of two thoughts into three in an act of co-creation.
Now that my thoughts are becoming aligned with the deeper significance of having sex, I find myself wanting to honour this powerfully creative energy within myself. Sexual energy is highly potent creative energy. How I choose to use it and understand it is important to me. Whom I choose to share it with is something that I will take greater care and consideration into. I don’t mean to sound like in the past I have just slept around with people, only that from this point on, sex very well might be something that I hold off on until I am with my chosen beloved. When I look back on my past relationships, none had the chance to really develop a friendship before having sex.
I do not mean to condemn anyone or say what they have done is wrong; that isn’t the point, nor is it very helpful. I merely wish to share a perspective that I have arrived at through my own experiences. The only reason I was able to arrive here is due to the freedom I had and choices I made leading to this point. In this way, the choice is something I arrived at on my own free will instead of something forced upon me dogmatically by another. As more of us share our own lessons and open to the truth that others learn with us, collectively we are able to shift our perspectives to create more expansive, honouring, compassionate, and balanced choices in the beautiful co-creation of the world.